Back on the Saddle

I've been working on this post for months

Do you know why people tell you to celebrate the silent battles once won BIG and LOUD? Silent battles hurt, they sting. There is no one there to support you. No personal cheerleaders and no one helping push you to that finish line. Silent battles are fought alone because they need to be. Those battles are the hardest. Fighting your way out of those situations silently and isolated has to be one of the most gut wrenching feelings in the universe. 

When I think of 2022 a few choice words come to mind. Lies, loss, stuck, confusion, stagnant, tired, exhausted, triggered and revenge. I'm not sure it's time to celebrate but I fought a lot of silent battles in 2022. Battles with my mind, my feelings, my reality and most importantly my mouth! I've had so much to say these last couple of months, but the RIGHT way to say it kept escaping me. I've been working on this post for months. I felt so lost and depleted and like I had nothing else to give myself or those around me. 2022 felt like I was in survival mode. 

I was drowning in a room full of people but no one could see that I needed help. 

When I was a little girl I used to have this recurring nightmare. In the nightmare I was always in a room full of people and out of nowhere I would collapse. I would be screaming for help from the people around me but didn't get any. Everyone around me would keep on doing what they were doing like they couldn't see me right there in desperate need of their help. I would always awake from this dream with tears running down my face. That is what 2022 felt like for me, like I was drowning in a room full of people but no one could see that I needed help. 

It broke me. 

2022 also came with some life lessons. I learned so much about myself and how I handle the bad times in my life. I have nothing good to say about that version of me. I guess I always knew she was there but thought I had parted ways with that version. I learned that a good 85% of people don't show up as the person that they say they are. Including myself at times. I think that was the most disappointing fact for me. I experienced my character being assassinated and constantly attacked. That was new for me. I always felt like I was strong enough to stand on who I am to not let that be taken away from me. I was wrong. It broke me. 

Although I wasn't surprised, I was blown away by how far people will take lies and actually let them go. We know the truth hurts but we never talk about how deep lies cut. Especially when those lies come from the people you love and you thought loved you back. People will have you believe that you are supposed to just keep pushing and move on. I prefer to talk about the tears that flow when I'm alone. Specifically in the shower because then I have an excuse for my face to be wet. Let's not forget the days I could barely pick myself up out of bed. My favorite part though is how I'm forced to face betrayal daily and have no clue what to do with my feelings of anger. The triggers were flying! Didn't miss. Triggered by things and situations that I didn't even know would be so detrimental to my mental health.

Fuck 2022

What's funny is that before 2022 I was thinking how since 2018 I really didn't have much to complain about. I did not enter the new year optimistic, my apologies to those who texted me happy new year and I didn't respond. I just wasn't feeling it and I'm still not. Eventually I will pick myself up out of the dumps but for now this is where I dwell. I want people to know that's okay. There's nothing wrong with choosing to be sad, having slow days and just living in your shit. Sometimes I don't want to participate in the world because some of the messages we receive about everyday life are so tainted. I have to stop and ask myself is it me? Fuck 2022 and all the confusion and heartache it brought me.

As I figure out my life and the best way to cope I am sending love, light, and laughter to those who need to get back on the saddle. Good luck, don't over do it. 

Sincerely 

Simply Moe